©The Malaysian Insider (Used by permission)
by James Chin
JUNE 8 –Things are happening in Bolehland, which is not same thing as saying Bolehland is a happening place.
There are so many new things to update the world on what is going on in Bolehland, where the Cold War is still very alive and raging.
There are so many new things to update the world on what is going on in Bolehland, where the Cold War is still very alive and raging.
1) Hypocrisy 1
According to Bolehland’s official ideology, communism is akin to worshipping the devil or worse.
According to a Bolehland minister, Bolehland historians are not telling the “right” history and the younger generation of Bolehland citizens think that communism is “cool”.
The communist are apparently so clever that they have created a website that will fool and brainwash all the teens in Bolehland.
Visiting this website will convert them to communism in the first hour. On this website, you will find a comic book telling the glorious history of the communist movement in Bolehland.
Moreover, there are people who say the most dangerous thing; i.e., allow the leader of Communist Party to retire in Bolehland. No, this must not happen.
Meanwhile, a group of Bolehland ministers and businessmen paid an official visit to the largest communist country on earth, the Peoples Republic of China. Communist leaders welcomed them with open arms and a state banquet.
I understand that Bolehland has engaged the great filmmaker, Borat Sagdiyev, to make a documentary “Evils Learnings of Communism for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Bolehland”
2) Hypocrisy 2
Bolehland citizens are split – they cannot decide if they want to educate their children in English or Bahasa Bolehland.
To help the debate along, a nationalist group (can’t remember their name) decided that it must be Bahasa Bolehland or else it is the end of the world, and the end of Bolehland civilization.
But wait, looking at the senior members of this nationalist group, I think most of them were educated in English and, in fact, many of them have degrees from non–English speaking places like the US, UK and Australia. Hence, they have the ultimate right to deny the children English since learning English will only hurt the future and career of these children.
After all, who needs English to get a job? Is it not true that Bahasa Bolehland is the language of science of technology?
On, just so that you understand the hypocrisy, there is a special university in Bolehland that only admit indigenous Bolehlanders. From day one, this university has taught all its courses in English while all the other public universities have to teach in Bahasa Bolehland.
So there you have it. Need I say more about how advance the education standard of Bolehland?
3) The ‘Kopi reggate’ saga
Bolehlanders are trained in the highest standard of science and they are innovative. Bolehland invented the Tongkat Ali Kopi, which is 50 times cheaper than Viagra but does the same job – keep all the Bolehland men awake at night so that they can work throughout the night and help the country’s GDP.
Now I have been told that there is an even better invention – Kopi Reggate. In the front–page report by Harian Metro, a transvestite in his 20s revealed that Kopi Reggate could keep him up all night thus helping him provide “better service” to his and/or her (both are correct) clients.
This Kopi Reggate helped to restore his and/or her sexual energy and allowed shim (a combination of him and her) to entertain more than 10 clients a night. The Kopi Reggate is mixed with drugs such as syabu and ganja, and ketum leaves powder.
The effects of the coffee took five minutes to kick in and one would feel refreshed and “high.”
Towkays reading this, please set up your factory now and make sure you get your ISO9002 and EU certification. This can be a multi–billion export business. Bolehland can sink the Viagra.
4) Beyond Moronic
According to Kosmo!, a Mat Rempit asked for help from police officers after trying in vain to lift his motorcycle from the bushes. He was trying to escape a police operation to curb illegal racing at Pantai Lido in Johor Baru by hiding in the bushes with his motorcycle. Needless to say, the motorcycle got stuck.
The Police saw the Mat Rempit trying to lift his motorcycle for 10 minutes before he finally asked for help: “Tuan, tolong tarik motosikal saya, tuan.”
If this story is true, and Kosmo! is a respectable and credible paper, this proves that education levels have reached “taraf antarabangsa” in Bolehland. We know that all Mat Rempits are educated in the finest schools in Bolehland.
5) How to succeed in business (without really trying)
In Bolehland, this is how you start a business. Take a bank loan for $4 billion. Pay above market price for the land and everything else. Build the buildings regardless of the demand. Rent out 20% of the completed buildings. Make sure the other 80% empty buildings are painted white to make it “look nice from afar”.
When people ask “how come so many empty building?” you tell them “this is just phase one – the empty buildings are phase 2 and 3”.
When the banks start asking for money, take out another $4 billion in new loans – except this time, the Bolehland government will act as guarantor. No wonder people say Bolehland government is business–friendly.
When you have spent the money, hire a forensic accountant and issue a 1000–page report. Blame it on the previous management. Hold a press conference and tell Boleahlanders that you are going for transparency and accountability. Wait for six months. Bolehlanders “muda lupa”.
One year later, start a new project. This time, apply for bank loan of $8 billion.
According to Bolehland’s official ideology, communism is akin to worshipping the devil or worse.
According to a Bolehland minister, Bolehland historians are not telling the “right” history and the younger generation of Bolehland citizens think that communism is “cool”.
The communist are apparently so clever that they have created a website that will fool and brainwash all the teens in Bolehland.
Visiting this website will convert them to communism in the first hour. On this website, you will find a comic book telling the glorious history of the communist movement in Bolehland.
Moreover, there are people who say the most dangerous thing; i.e., allow the leader of Communist Party to retire in Bolehland. No, this must not happen.
Meanwhile, a group of Bolehland ministers and businessmen paid an official visit to the largest communist country on earth, the Peoples Republic of China. Communist leaders welcomed them with open arms and a state banquet.
I understand that Bolehland has engaged the great filmmaker, Borat Sagdiyev, to make a documentary “Evils Learnings of Communism for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Bolehland”
2) Hypocrisy 2
Bolehland citizens are split – they cannot decide if they want to educate their children in English or Bahasa Bolehland.
To help the debate along, a nationalist group (can’t remember their name) decided that it must be Bahasa Bolehland or else it is the end of the world, and the end of Bolehland civilization.
But wait, looking at the senior members of this nationalist group, I think most of them were educated in English and, in fact, many of them have degrees from non–English speaking places like the US, UK and Australia. Hence, they have the ultimate right to deny the children English since learning English will only hurt the future and career of these children.
After all, who needs English to get a job? Is it not true that Bahasa Bolehland is the language of science of technology?
On, just so that you understand the hypocrisy, there is a special university in Bolehland that only admit indigenous Bolehlanders. From day one, this university has taught all its courses in English while all the other public universities have to teach in Bahasa Bolehland.
So there you have it. Need I say more about how advance the education standard of Bolehland?
3) The ‘Kopi reggate’ saga
Bolehlanders are trained in the highest standard of science and they are innovative. Bolehland invented the Tongkat Ali Kopi, which is 50 times cheaper than Viagra but does the same job – keep all the Bolehland men awake at night so that they can work throughout the night and help the country’s GDP.
Now I have been told that there is an even better invention – Kopi Reggate. In the front–page report by Harian Metro, a transvestite in his 20s revealed that Kopi Reggate could keep him up all night thus helping him provide “better service” to his and/or her (both are correct) clients.
This Kopi Reggate helped to restore his and/or her sexual energy and allowed shim (a combination of him and her) to entertain more than 10 clients a night. The Kopi Reggate is mixed with drugs such as syabu and ganja, and ketum leaves powder.
The effects of the coffee took five minutes to kick in and one would feel refreshed and “high.”
Towkays reading this, please set up your factory now and make sure you get your ISO9002 and EU certification. This can be a multi–billion export business. Bolehland can sink the Viagra.
4) Beyond Moronic
According to Kosmo!, a Mat Rempit asked for help from police officers after trying in vain to lift his motorcycle from the bushes. He was trying to escape a police operation to curb illegal racing at Pantai Lido in Johor Baru by hiding in the bushes with his motorcycle. Needless to say, the motorcycle got stuck.
The Police saw the Mat Rempit trying to lift his motorcycle for 10 minutes before he finally asked for help: “Tuan, tolong tarik motosikal saya, tuan.”
If this story is true, and Kosmo! is a respectable and credible paper, this proves that education levels have reached “taraf antarabangsa” in Bolehland. We know that all Mat Rempits are educated in the finest schools in Bolehland.
5) How to succeed in business (without really trying)
In Bolehland, this is how you start a business. Take a bank loan for $4 billion. Pay above market price for the land and everything else. Build the buildings regardless of the demand. Rent out 20% of the completed buildings. Make sure the other 80% empty buildings are painted white to make it “look nice from afar”.
When people ask “how come so many empty building?” you tell them “this is just phase one – the empty buildings are phase 2 and 3”.
When the banks start asking for money, take out another $4 billion in new loans – except this time, the Bolehland government will act as guarantor. No wonder people say Bolehland government is business–friendly.
When you have spent the money, hire a forensic accountant and issue a 1000–page report. Blame it on the previous management. Hold a press conference and tell Boleahlanders that you are going for transparency and accountability. Wait for six months. Bolehlanders “muda lupa”.
One year later, start a new project. This time, apply for bank loan of $8 billion.