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These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
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Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
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Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
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Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
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Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one..
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Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Would you repeat the question?
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Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh....
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Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your Attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
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Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh?
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Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami
Witness: No.
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Attorney: Did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Attorney: Are you married?
Witness: No, I'm divorced.
Attorney: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.

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Attorney: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.

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Attorney: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

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Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
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Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?

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Attorney: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Attorney: And did you take your new wife?

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Attorney: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child?
Witness: I'm his mother.
Attorney: And you have been so all of his life?

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Attorney: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Witness: She is my daughter.
Attorney: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

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Attorney: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?

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Attorney: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Attorney: Did he kill you?

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Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Attorney: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Attorney: Before or after he died?

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Attorney: When was the last time you saw the deceased?
Witness: At his funeral.
Attorney: Did he make any comments to you at that time?