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MAY 22 — I remember my late mother, who was a very wise woman and a teacher by profession, used to tell us (my siblings and I) that there is a saying that ”each person has a square of heaven above his head”.

The meaning of this phrase is that each of us will pursue our own path, and no parents or other people can determine what we are going to be except ourselves.

Parents, of course, play a very important role in bringing up children. Mencius, a disciple of Confucius, believes that when a person is born, he is pure, and it is the environment and his upbringing that influence him to be what he would be later on in life. This is, of course, debatable, and over the years there have been other schools either supporting or refuting this.

One thing is sure. A person’s childhood influences his adult life. Anyone who has studied a bit of psychology would know that. However, sometimes we do find very different siblings, despite the same upbringing and same parental care and control.

I remember one of my patients, a woman about my age, with three very successful children, all grown up and doing well in life. She, however, suffered from depression. Her husband, also my patient, is a very decent man, well behaved and soft spoken. After many consultations, I finally learnt from her the cause of her depression.

She has one other child, now in his early 20s, and third in the family, who was on drugs and who had been caught a number of times for shoplifting (the family had to pay compensation to prevent the victims from going to the police). She blames herself for this son’s behaviour and this guilt feeling has been haunting her and made her depressed.

His behaviour cannot be due to a different upbringing. It has probably more to do with peers and his childhood experiences outside the home, perhaps in schools, perhaps on buses, or perhaps from certain shows that he had watched, which may not be entirely under the control of the parents.

I am quoting this example to show that sometimes you do not know how your child will turn out to be even when you apply the same control and give the same teachings. Perhaps, we should tailor the ways of bringing up children to their different characters since their environmental influence is different from one another.

Still, there is no guarantee that all children will turn out good. It is like our fingers; no two fingers are of the same length even though all arise from the same palm.

This week the newspapers highlighted that one of Raja Petra Kamarudin’s children was charged with stealing. This type of crime would not normally be highlighted in the press. Perhaps it was highlighted to give a perception that there is certain blemish on RPK’s character or his family. Perhaps because RPK is such a high-profile personality, this case was highlighted. In the spirit of a free press, even though this type of cases normally do not get reported, the media has every right to report on this, of course.

RPK has written a very moving piece on this son, and in the same article, he apologised to the nation for his son’s conduct.

It is very gracious of him to apologise on behalf of his child. He need not do it. His son is already an adult, and his son has his own square of heaven above his head and should be responsible for his own action.